Monday, October 14, 2013

Big Surprise, More Colic

I feel like I'm hitting some sort of breaking point today. Solomon is 9 weeks exactly.



I want to yell into a pillow and yet also am on the verge of tears. So. Much. Screaming. It's just a constant with him. The constancy of the screaming is killing my joy, my sanity, and completely fraying my nerves. He's happy for one or two minutes and it's like, "take a picture quick, he's not screaming!(as in the above photo)" He is otherwise an unhappy baby. I feel like I am being held captive by him. He wants to be held every second of every day. I put him in the swing for a minute to stir hot food or go pee or just stand without holding an extra 16lbs and within approx 45 seconds he is screaming bloody murder. He doesn't like the floor, the carseat, the bouncer,  the couch, the bed, the crib, the changing table....anything and even anyone that isn't ME. It's suffocating. It's not possible, nor do I have the desire, to hold a baby all of the time. I'm sick of peeing holding a baby because I'm even more sick of hearing the screaming! I'm tired of finally getting him asleep, putting him in the swing and then 18 minutes later (if I'm lucky) he is screaming his head off. It's hard to put a 2 year old down for nap when 1) her baby brother is loudly screaming or 2) I am holding him on my chest and also her on my hip. It sucks. He is so high needs I feel like I'm drowning in the ocean of his screaming. It's like someone is putting a pillow over my face and I can't breathe. Nine freaking weeks of this. And yes, as a matter of fact he is screaming right now. Despite being in the Ergo. Night or day, he's not picky, it's all fair game for screaming.

This morning I found myself saying, "Why God? WHY? Why do you give me babies like this?"
I haven't heard an answer yet.
I have NEVER, not once, had an easy baby. Evangeline was 'easier' but only compared to the other two, not at all easy compared to most babies. I very clearly remember her first week and all she did was scream from 7pm til 5am. And even after that, she wouldn't fall asleep anywhere but on me til she was close to a year old.

I was doing well losing weight and trying to eat well for my body...now I find myself scrambling for food in the seconds between screams, and it's never healthy food. I can see my weight climbing back up and that makes me so angry. It makes me angry that I can't even have 20 minutes to put on a workout video in my living room...let alone leave him for 45 minutes to go to a class or go for a walk. Craig is gone about 12 hours a day for work. When he gets home I often see if he can have Solomon for 20-30 minutes so I can scramble and get food on the table for everyone. It's so stressful. I do everything with a ticking time bomb.

I know screaming won't kill him. I try to tell myself that it's OK and there's only so much I can do. He's fed, dry, not too warm, not too cold, and yet even with me holding him...he still screams. The screaming is just 10x worse when I put him down. In public he's often OK. Lots of lights and noise and he either looks around or passes out in the Ergo. And honestly, I'm holding him the entire time- exactly what he wants. Of course he's happy in public!

Saturday I made chicken fettuccine afredo for 8 people and the entire time he screamed because I wasn't holding him. He slept a total of 35 minutes the entire day on Saturday. The rest was spent screaming and a little bit of nursing. It used to feel like his tummy hurt or it was something physical bothering him. Now it seems like he's just extremely high maintenance and it has nothing to do with his tummy and 100% to do with him wanting me and only me. I am exhausted and frustrated. I'm short tempered with the girls and not sure how to do all of the normal daily tasks when the Little Tyrant is never happy.

Say what you will about this being a short phase and "this too shall pass" and "you'll miss this someday." You know what? I won't freaking miss this. I don't miss Eliana's colic or Evangeline's screaming and I certainly won't miss Solomon's screaming either. I miss the sleepy, easily portable newborn stage. You know why? Because I've NEVER experienced it, with any of my children. I find myself wishing away the days because they are so horrid to get through. Only to find myself in a dark night that is just as difficult. I hoped by the third baby I'd maybe be blessed with some ease, some peace, some calm. Not so.

I can't win. And it certainly feels like I'm losing.

He is adorable, I'll give him that.


2 comments:

  1. I am Proud of you for telling the truth. So many bloggers sugar coat the truths of parent hood. I am proud of you!

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    1. Thank you so much. I debated about 7 times going back and deleting this post. But I hope that someone else will feel validated if by no other fact than realizing other moms have super awful days, too. Maybe a mom will find this blog on Google at 2am and realize she's not crazy....some babies just make you think you are. But we survive it. It does get better eventually.

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